An age old rant

A much abused statistic from PowerPoint sessions of the present times; is that over 50% of the country's population is under 25 years of age.

This is a figure which whenever presented, never fails to get the participants of the concerned conference rooms, into a series of subtle rituals seemingly undetectable to their peers. The gentle touching of the paunch, the studied flexing of the bicep, the stealthy checking of the rapidly receding hairline, the clandestine scrutiny of the cricket score…

Even if the last action mentioned above left you stumped, there are few things more disturbing on an evolutionary scale, than the ticking of the clock. And for those (like yours truly) caught on the precipitously sloping confines of the population's ‘normal' distribution; this statistic holds the potential for some truly strange and quirky behavior.

For ‘our people', for whom 24 hour television came as a pleasant surprise at first; pride themselves on resilience, and are unlikely to give in to this rising tide of numbers, without some semblance of a fight.

Turning back the sands of time

The first day post exposure to that incriminating statistic, witnesses an adrenaline infused assault on the flight of stairs en route to the office. This often ends in morale sapping concepts like ‘shortness of breath', ‘changing of facial color' and ‘picking up ones entrails from the floor'. A perusal of the fitness clubs near one's residence is also attempted. The more determined might try the occasional group exercise class, if only to rub shoulders (and other things) with the enemy.

Newer words find their way into the vocabulary. Terms like ‘calorie count', ‘fiber content' and ‘body mass index'; are deliberately introduced into conversations, sometimes even at the most inappropriate times. For instance, while evaluating the annual performance of a subordinate, enquiring of its calorie count equivalent, while a deliciously devilish thought, should ideally be avoided.

A change of wardrobe, a visit to the hair styling salon, an open embrace of lyrics impaired music and a cell phone upgrade are also attempted; but something seems to be not quite falling into place, which is why matters are progressed to stage two.

Repositioning the coming era

‘If you can't join them, make them feel their trip isn't going to be worthwhile'. While this slogan surely isn't going to make the final cut, when pitching for a travel agency business, it does capture the essence of stage two.

It revolves around a series of endeavors to brainwash those around, especially the younger lot. The idea is to make them feel desolate about the present and the coming era, specifically when contextualized against what has transpired before. Hence current cricketing conversations are skillfully redirected towards legendary events and players of the past. The 83 World Cup was the real triumph! Modern day batsmen would not survive even an over, from any of the great West Indian pace quartet. Soccer provides the Maradonna greater than Messi argument. Musical superiority is emphatically appropriated, courtesy traversing the Beatles to Michael Jackson/Madonna spectrum, or citing R. D. Burman and the like. ‘Sholay' is vigorously positioned as the greatest Bollywood movie ever, and its viewing in theater, as the proverbial trip to the cinematic Ganges.

However as these topics generally tend to evoke extremely passionate and even hostile responses, this stage tends to fizzle away rather quickly. Primarily because given the fitness shortcomings of ‘our people', it is difficult to achieve the minimum safe distance after initiating such dialogue. This step eventually ends with an introduction to projectile dynamics, and the mouthing of ‘ooh' ‘ah' ‘ouch'.

Living in denial

At this point maturity, wisdom and experience begin to influence behavior. ‘Our people' realize that this is the apt moment to address this situation, with the philosophical poise that father time has endowed us with. Thus an attitude of living in denial sets in…

This probably lends itself to some highly comical moments. Because here one tends to look through or completely ignore the ‘said data point'. Much in the same manner as one would behave, if an ex girl friend or spouse, was spotted in the vicinity. As in the case of such occurrences, subtracting oneself from the environment is also an immediate side effect. However, business meetings tend to have some truly pugnacious characters, and it is inevitable that one gets quizzed about that oppressive number on return.

‘But what is the quality of that segment…I mean what do they really know?' is usually a bad start, especially if said with a dead giveaway condescending tone. Following it up with ‘the group slightly above (age wise) spends a lot more', is a somewhat more tenable defense. In a losing battle though, nothing beats pressing the ‘page down' button, when no one is looking. The corporate world does live by the ‘what is right now on screen is most important' maxim, and this offers an escape route sometimes.

In truth all three stages are parts of a cycle, which ‘our people' inevitably embrace, once this quantitative realization sets in. They might transition through any of these phases, in a purely random manner, with no reference to any particular order. They will spiritedly bounce off from step to step, but they will continue to revolt. Mark Twain once said, ‘age is an issue of mind over matter, it does not matter, if you don't mind'. Perhaps the ace humorist missed on pointing out, it is a lot more fun if you do mind…