When the Cup runneth over...

It's been a few days, since the nation has drowned in a sea of blue frenzy!

After ODing on a feast of ODI's over the last few weeks; the pleasant dream that we have all fallen into, threatens to be rudely awakened very soon by that dreaded four letter word-work.

But does this World Cup triumph, not help inspire the intrusion of the sporting spirit into corporate conduct? Should one be feeling guilty about discussing the odds of returning successfully from crucial meetings? Would it be all right now, to excruciatingly debate, which person gets kept out of the room, at the next customer interaction (hereafter called 'The Ashwin Effect')?

The cricketing virus is now truly in the corporate bloodstream. Over the next few weeks, don't be surprised if you come across, a whole range of new interventions in office life. These represent not so subtle ways, in which the World Cup has begun to influence our behavior at work. And these, like the exploits of Dhoni and his men, are surely worth taking note of...

Meeting Power Plays

Many times your best laid plans are hit for a clean six, by the people on the other side of the table. They incessantly ask questions, pose problems, probe for pitfalls in execution and needlessly enquire about costs...those spoilsports! But help is at hand with Meeting Power Plays.

At strategic moments in meetings, when you feel the opposition unnecessarily increase, signal for a Meeting Power Play. This entitles you, to cast aside the entire resistant lot, to a distant corner of the office. If that spot so happens to be, really far away from the room in which the meeting is taking place, tough luck on them. You can graciously welcome them to listen in, but human hearing does let one down at over 23 feet, especially if you astutely decide to close the door after they depart.

Then use those few odd precious minutes, to decisively swing the session your way; by walking all over the meek few that remain. Beware though; the same trick can be pulled on you, when the next meeting comes around.

Performance Appraisal UDRS

Perhaps you think your boss is the cultivated objective sort, who won't let personal bias and snap judgments, come in the way of your appraisal. If that's the case, do write to me after it is done, I love reading emotional drama.

Chances are however, you might be among the larger majority, who feel an appraisal is about as fair as; expecting Kamran Akmal, to latch onto a good old fashioned edge. Appraisals usually entail frustration, disgust and creative distortions of the truth; and that's just what you go through when filling out the form.

Many employees would then exult at the Performance Appraisal UDRS; in this case expanded to Unfair Decision Revoking System. So the next time your boss cites why that promotion or increment is dodging you by, insist on video and audio evidence of your shortcomings. In case he retorts, that this system will only be installed from the next year, triumphantly cite the benefit of doubt as the reason for you moving up the ladder. You have a year to scoot, before he begins to seriously start doubting the benefits of that decision.

The Keeper's Perspective

In a telling first, both the captains this World Cup final were wicketkeepers! That says a lot, for the perspective and advantage that can be gained, from positioning oneself behind the opposition and the stumps.

Therefore, if you happen to be in any sort of a leadership position, don't sit facing the client anymore. Creep up behind them and let your team do the presentation. From time to time, vociferously pass on suggestions to the team, about what they should be doing next. It helps even more, if you do that audibly, in a language that the client does not understand. Feel free to also disrupt the client's decision making process, by volunteering timely and colorful sledges from your vantage point. Some might even feel the urge to pull away the clients chair, if he happens to stand up, ala a stumping maneuver. Exercise extreme caution when doing this; you might just run out of business very soon.

For the customers that insist on eye contact, place a mirror in front of them to facilitate the same. Confess it helps you reflect better on the problems at hand.

Inane Factor Analysis

Factor Analysis used to be a perfectly respectable tool; usually employed to isolate significant reasons, which initiated the occurrence of an event. But the manner in which a boisterous media has covered the World Cup, has completely redefined what qualifies as contributing criteria.

This has manifested in obscure correlations like finding a causal link, between the shade of a female star's lipstick, and the belligerent mood of a batsman. Or the extrapolation that a temporary dip in the Sensex, led to a sudden rush of Indian wickets. Even the dropping of a crucial catch by a fielder; is explained away by the sudden appearance of a lot of inauspicious heavenly bodies in the sky, that not just looked down rather severely on the poor fellow, but also obstructed his vision. I possibly exaggerated a touch of some of these, but then sticking to reality is only advisable for television shows.

It's time to introduce Inane Factor Analysis in the business process. This could start with the conducting of a pitch report like study, on the conference room table where the meeting is going to be held. Here one could liberally evaluate several absurd parameters. From the teak factor of the table and its proposal bouncing capability, to its chill shielding attribute-that prevents people from making too frequent rest room visits. One could then move on to things like the strike rates of the participants involved; basically what proportion of the meetings that they attend, are they emerging successfully from.

Perhaps this might strike your boss as being a tad strange. But feel free to generously throw in the word 'strategy', in every third sentence of your explanation and you should be fine. Anyway post your appraisal and promotion, it's much better to limit conversation with him, and weird behavior certainly helps immensely in that venture.

Daring to Bare

The word 'monty' was just beginning to be associated with a spinner; when the announcement of an aspiring starlet, brought it back to its full and old implications.

The naked, perfect human form has inspired artists since time immemorial. But the not so perfect male body is a much more potent weapon, waiting to be unleashed in modern corporate times. It is a negotiating device that has few parallels.

So if you run out of breath while tying your shoelaces. And assume, like me, that the best crunches for your stomach are a brand of biscuits. If your paunch has begun to assume planetary proportions; there just might be an ace up our collective unfit sleeves.

The average human will go to great lengths, to avoid witnessing something unpleasant. And the prospect of seeing an extremely exercise phobic man, in the buff, can make him relent on even the most stubborn positions.

Hence cancel that useless gym membership and indulge in that extra helping. For when one has a body, not exactly to kill for, but one that can kill on sight; that's a threat which is naked in its intent, even when buried under all those oversized ill fitting clothes.

On the plus side, people will go that extra mile to absolutely ensure, that you end up never losing your shirt over anything...

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Eventually the World Cup has brought us many reasons to smile. It is only natural that a hangover of sorts makes itself apparent at the workplace. And as employees try to infuse the adrenaline of cricket in their daily life, it would be interesting to see how stiff white collars also begin to bleed blue...