AD Nauseam: Part - XV

Never has the title of a column been so apt.

If December hasn’t left you nauseous, then you’re not a better man than I am, Gunga Din.

All the worst possible aspects of our glorious 5000-year old culture have been on display, or rather, have been exposed for what they are.

What do the events that took place in what is fast turning out to be the winter of our discontent say about the brand that is India (or, if you like, I certainly do, Bhindia)?

The first that springs to mind is what the ghastly rape incident says about the Delhi Police. “For you, with you, always” is the slogan that they have been bombarding us with for the past few years, and if ever there is an example of advertising being misleading, it is this, it is this, it is this.

While the slogan might well be true for the VIP’s they so sedulously and voluminously protect, it is most assuredly untrue for 99.9999999% of Delhi. Which is a double whammy…because they spend our tax money to advertise this untruth.

The tendency to pass the buck, to squabble about geographical jurisdiction and to arrive well after the crime has been committed (so much learning from Bollywood!) is well known. I myself have called a police station for some assistance, only to hear “The services to this number have been temporarily suspended due to non-payment of dues”.

Where else in the civilized world will this happen? When you call 911 in the USA, do they first ask you to call another number that happens to be of the police station in your vicinity? Do you get a busy signal? (Just to add, the much-vaunted women’s helpline no 181 flagged off in Delhi after the incident also asks the caller to dial another number, or apparently to register the complaint on the website!! Superb! Just shows we are really IT enabled!!)

And even if the allegations made by Nirbhaya’s friend that the PCR vans that arrived after someone called them squabbled over geographical jurisdiction for over an hour are not true, the fact remains that the image of the Delhi Police is so low that all of us are willing to believe him.

And that is what brand image is all about.

The second item in this litany is a corollary of the above aspect of the incident. Apparently the man and the girl lay naked and bleeding on the side of the road for about an hour before anyone decided to help. What does this say about the other brand who’s image we keep shoring up (again through our tax money) with the slogan “Incredible India”?

Is this what our millenniums-old culture has taught us? Is this the acme of our so-called glorious past? Is this what Brand India really is?

Sadly, yes.

Exacerbated by the ludicrous and unbelievably crass beings whom we have elected to govern us, led by the unspeakably odious Madhya Pradesh industry minister Kailash Vijayvargiya who advised women to stay within their limits or else they would be abducted like Sita was. How come this thing (can’t get myself to call him a man) said nothing about men staying within their limits?

And what more does this say about Brand India? Of course, there have been others who have covered themselves with even more glory in the matter (some microbe –sorry, microbes-- called Asaram Bapu who says “it takes two hands to clap” when referring to the Nirbhaya case). Yes. And I know what I will do with my two hands if I ever meet this pustule.

And finally, the third in my list: I’ve mentioned the utterly crass advertising created by Star-ESPN for the India-England cricket series in one of my earlier articles, and its comeuppance when Team India (now, there’s another brand that’s badly in need of a makeover) didn’t play ball.

Sadly, they did not learn! The ads for the Indo-Pak series were as bombastic and surly as ever. “Aa raha hai Pakistan…aane do” say they, with the cricketers all looking as if they’re training to be dacoits in the Chambal ravines. And as inevitably as ever, the flag of TI sank without a murmur.

Naughty dacoits!

However, that is not the point I really want to make (though I never tire of wondering why anyone with even an ounce of intelligence would like to make advertising that could bite them in the assarams (sic) and make them look like serious twits? Answer: ounces are evidently quite rare).

The point I really want to make is that when anyone makes such advertising, they actually demonstrate insecurity rather than confidence.

Jingoism, besides being tasteless, is the last refuge of the scoundrel, to paraphrase Samuel Johnson.

And this was carried through by the hordes which went to witness the matches: not one Indian had the grace to paint both country’s flags on his/her face; not one had a conjoined flag to wave; not one (or very, very few) applauded the performances of the Pakistan team, who, let me remind you, cannot play international cricket at home, do not play in the farce called the IPL, and are bedeviled by perhaps a worse governance and political system than us in India.

Lack of grace, tastelessness and strident jingoism define us a brand now.

Remember what brought the Nazis in.

And hope like hell our ‘dented and (badly) painted’ brand (Oh Abhijeet, you are now immortal), will not suffer the same fate.

It is unquestionable that the brand to which we display allegiance has feet of clay and needs an image-makeover.

Sadly, advertising will not help.

Only effectiveness of what it should stand for and tries to promise will.

Who will clean our Augean Stables?