The perils of the white collar secret agent

Ah! The lure of the spy

From James Bond to Jason Bourne, they have men in raptures (well women as well, but for entirely different reasons); portraying the life we mere mortal men can only lust for. From saving the world just in time for cocktails to slipping in between bedcovers for some secret debriefings and eluding countless pursuers against the odds, they provoke the mediocrity of your daily routine and compel you to ask

What if my working day was like that?

But before you bound off to bungee jump into the next board meeting, it is pertinent to warn readers about a new malaise that is doing the rounds, which is likely to seriously affect your career path if you don't take note

It's called the 'JB syndrome', and is defined as the propensity of the male audience to allow their normal office interactions to be intruded by the hangover of watching one too many of these secret agent movies

How does it affect the next appraisal, consider these situations

What was I talking about?

Try the 'Jason Bourne amnesia analogy' during an office crisis and just see how kindly people take to it. Answers like 'it's all a blur', 'I forgot he was the client when I pole axed him near the elevator' and 'why was I assigned this task in the first place?' will only help hold back the confirmation letter that your boss had so grudgingly typed in the first place

At her majesty's service only

Both these cavalier agents have one more thing in common; they only seem to respond well to female authority. While the female of the species has been joyously cavorting past the weaker sex on the corporate ladder, past bad judgment by the organization might just find you reporting to a man

Trying to treat your boss like a woman isn't going to help (especially if he isn't one). Imagining how he would look in a skirt or sari can only get your career that far, except in certain cases

Bidding farewell with a chuckle

Sadly in most white collar jobs you don't get to shoot the bad guys, the closest you get to a 'death' situation is if you are in the unfortunate position of having to retrench someone. Bond's last bullet is usually accompanied by a splendid punch line. But this might not be advisable in your case

'Your pink slip was showing' or 'Its time to hit the sack' could just see you be the one who is in 'grave' danger

Getting floored with plans

Jason Bourne always speed reads floor plans and layout details of any building from the perspective of making quick exits. You, however, could rub people the wrong way (and that's putting it politely) if you insist that meetings can begin only after detailed floor plans, exit routes and fire escapes have been shared first and some time is spent memorizing them. At advanced levels of this particular ailment you could cause people to tear out their hair by doing the same with menus of nearby restaurants who deliver. This could result in your reply to the question 'what is your plan for the next year?' being 'Chicken burger only at Rs. 55'

One way ticket to late meetings

Both these men also seem to have a talent of always driving the wrong way in one way streets at breathtakingly high speed. Acceptable behavior when you need to defuse a nuclear device and the clock isn't exactly on your side, but a touch dangerous for the weak hearts who have innocently tagged along with you for a ride to a meeting which you all were running late for. It is wisely said that 'there isn't any such thing as a free lunch', in this case though you are likely to find a lot of lunches deposited on the insides of your trusty car

Scoring blanks

However hard you try, white collar workers simply don't have the same mystery and allure surrounding them as secret agents.

It might come as a shock to some but women simply might not find your company as devastatingly attractive. Elucidating how craftily you put the blame back on your boss in no way compares with keeping the entire continent from sinking, even if it is only in a vast pool of tomato sauce

Simply retire home after the meeting is over and if need be take a cold shower. There are things like 'sexual harassment' which celluloid secret agents astutely get clipped off right at the script level, but you might have to painfully contend with

Calling your bluff

Only Bond can get away with threatening to quit almost flippantly and incessantly in these times of economic gloom. Even a rumor of any such venture on your part will be gleefully pounced upon and you might find yourself ejected from the twenty third floor without a parachute before you have finished concluding the very thought of resigning in your head

You will be surprised at the inhuman speed with which the real world works in these cases. One of the few places where it beats the world of cinema hands down

So be warned, that the next time you walk out of the movie theater after a 'JB' movie, leave what you saw behind. Because if your do not, the ticket stub might just be the 'quantum of solace' you are left with.