Ad Nauseam : Part - III

The first thing we were taught at our advertising mummy's knee was not to over-promise, exaggerate or suffer from self-delusion.

Not only because it was naughty to do so, but because the last of these was guaranteed to get us a swift spanking.

And the second thing was never, never ever to advertise without the brand being actually available in the market, because it was a waste of money.

Why are these homilies coming home to roost in my mind today?

Because I am as much a child of the media environment as you are, dear readers, and what is rampant on our media today? A curious mixture of hubris and sackcloth-and-ashes, neither of which make for an appetizing dish individually, and create an awful stomach upset when combined.

Yes, unfortunately, we needs must revisit the Brand That Is India and its strenuous self-promotion that has as its two pillars the CWG (the last time, I promise you), and of course that ode to some governmental mandarin's wildest fantasies, "Incredible India!"

As you are avid readers of this column, you would no doubt have noticed that in my previous piece I had lauded the superb conjunction of the Brand That Is India and its unwitting communication partner-in-crime, the CWG, for if ever there is that unappetizing combination of ingredients mentioned above, we are witnessing it today.

Yes, the show went off well, as I'm fairly sure we all knew it would. After all, if not the officials, the sportspersons kept the flag flying and flying high, and if anyone is to be lauded as the true flag bearers of the Brand That India Is Trying To Be, is must be they, for they delivered despite the Grand Panjandrum of our officialdom.

And even we can make enough paper that can cover cracks for 12 days.

But I'm not going to talk about the Nights of the Long Knives we are suffering daily (the Hunt for Who Put October Into The Red), but instead focus on the other little florets of passing beauty that are decorating our media gardens, which many of you may tend to miss in the cacophony of whose balloon's going up and who's is just going, and which illustrate one of the original points of this article: never over-promise. For instance, did you know:

a) That the Head Coaches of the Indian Hockey and Boxing teams were excluded from the PM's post-CWG reception on the grounds that that numbers did not permit? So Jose Brasa, the hockey coach who helped India get its first-ever hockey medal at the CWG, and B.I Fernandez, the boxing coach from Cuba, were not even invited! And then we say in our Incredible India campaign, "Atithi Devo Bhava"! And these are atithis who did something concrete for our proud land!

b) That now Kalmadi is actually saying we could and should bid for the Olympics? If these two examples aren't hubris, then I don't know my hubris as well as I should.

c) As for the s-and-a, they're what we'll be clad in soon if the CWG are anything to go by. No, not the profligacy before the Games themselves, but during them. The more hawk-eyed of you would surely have noticed that 90% of all advertising and sponsorship was by the PSU's. And since the PSU's represent much of where our taxes go, it was nice of them to remind us that we keep NTPC, SAIL (there's obviously a bit of SAIL in every government's life), the Indian Railways (and what an apposite TVC it was, dear countrymen, the human train mimicking exactly the state of evolution of our Railway system), and sundry other Paleolithic creatures alive. Now, if only they spent just a bit of that money giving us some electricity and cleaner railway stations, we'd go to heaven with smiles on our faces.

Just goes to prove that the CWG were, to borrow Lincoln's immortal words and turn them around, Games for the Government, by the Government and of the Government.

So much for the CWG's role in propagating Incredible India. But what about the Brand not being available whist all around there's the sound of people making money? Some more florets (eat your broccoli) and that'll be it for my take on the Brand That Is India.

a) If India's that incredible, how come we can't even keep our traffic lights working? For orderly traffic and disciplined citizens are advertisements for their country, and vice-versa.

b) If India's that incredible, how come we tolerate, without a bleat of official protest or action, an extra-constitutional party that can shut down cities, destroy public property with impunity, terrorize migrant labour and decide university syllabi? If the Shiv Sena can get away with murder, and literally, then how come you and I, honest tax-paying citizens, can't get away, just as an example, for a getaway on pothole-less roads?

But surely, surely, the icing on the Cake That Is India is the admission made by Lord Swraj Paul in the UK, when he (as rich as they come and then some), when found dipping his greasy fingers in the till by putting in jaali expense vouchers, explained his peccadilloes on his "Indian cultural background".

Incredible, India.